Wow, crazy how time goes by and your memory just blacks out things. I managed to get back into this account and thankfully was able to take off A LOTTT of posts, but not after reading them first. That last year of high school was such a disastrous roller coaster. I wish I could've known all the things I know now. If only I could have seen who actually ended up sticking around in my life, things may have been different. But you know what they say, hindsight is always 20/20.
This won't make much sense since I've pulled all of those posts, but damn I wish someone had knocked some sense into me. Well, I guess people were trying but it wasn't very effective lol. I can't believe how angry and OBSESSED I was about certain people/things. It makes me feel really weird reading all of that, knowing everything I know today.
I don't plan on taking this blog back over and constantly updating it. Although, I doubt anyone checks these anymore, so maybe if I ever need to write down a thought it may be nice to have access to this again.
Just a quick update if you care: I did end up going to a community college, 2 of them actually. One here at home and then one up north when Nick and I moved. I graduated there and then went on to CSUEB. Graduated from there in Dec. 2013 and have been working ever since! Btw it's so great to not have homework/tests as some of your stresses in life. Nick and I finally moved into our own place in Sept. 2014 and it's pretty great. It's us and our 2 cats, Felix and Riley. It's not always easy, but it is 100% preferable to when I was still living at home. My mom and I have the best relationship we've ever had and I'm so thankful for that. She got married in 2012! They seem to be happy with each other, so that made me feel good when it was time for me to move. I also see my dad a lot, which is something I decided to do a few years ago. I figured that he's not getting any younger and I didn't want to resent him, or end up resenting myself when his time comes to pass and I didn't make any effort to have a relationship with him.
Blair and Chris remained my constants. Had you told me that's how it would end up while I was still in high school, I would've laughed in your face, or cried. Not too sure as I think I was bipolar. I was at Chris's house the other night and we were talking about how we were in high school until about 4 AM. He told me that I was kind of an alpha bitch, the spine of our group, and that I had a kind of power over everyone. It's so weird because my mind completely has no recollection of that and at first I thought it was kind of a compliment, like that's pretty rare to be the leader of an entire group of people but not feel like it. But then I looked at this blog and everything that I wrote down. Part of me is glad that I wrote it down, although I definitely should've kept a private diary, but I also got really sad looking at those old posts. There was so much hate and jealousy taking over my life. And it sucks because the friends that I had a falling out with only saw me at my worst. They accepted me, but I wonder what it would've been like if they got to see me out of that environment, and in my current happy home. Don't get me wrong, I never want to speak to those people again, I just wish I had presented myself in a better way.
I've been with Nick for going on 6 years. At first people thought we were too young to stay together and move to Humboldt, and maybe we were. But now we're stronger than ever, happier than ever, and I'm happy that I didn't give up on us. He has truly been my rock and I'm so grateful for him. Of course there's things I wish I could change about him, I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but I think we work really well together. Plus I'm totally obsessed with his family. I love them so much, I could never let them go.
Currently Nick and I are trying to kick-start our careers. He wants to be a police officer (side note: it is so funny how much my perspective has changed from before I got with Nick, mostly about police officers, but a lot of things in general) and I'm just trying to figure out what I wanna do. I got my degree in Communications and everyone always asks me what I want to do. I'm not sure yet, but I think that's ok. The most important thing to me will eventually be having a family.
I gotta hand it to myself, I've come a long way from that ugly-hearted person I was back then. But I took steps to be better. I definitely had help. but ultimately I changed when I didn't think it was possible. I'm so grateful for everything I've earned. If you're still around, thank you so much for sticking with me.
